Reflections on a Second Pregnancy

Pregnancy is the blanket excuse for oddity.

You plot punch a lady at Home Depot? Don’t worry—you’re pregnant. You re-arranged the living room furniture again? You feel like crying over seeing a pile of dishes in the sink? You’ve become a narcoleptic? These hormones, too, shall pass.

Oddities aside, this pregnancy I know [better] what to expect and what I want, and I can actually visualize having a newborn. Last time, I spent many unconstructive hours imagining my belly growing a tumor. My first thought when I heard Raeford give his inaugural cry, was “Oh good, you’re not a tumor.”

So, even though this pregnancy feels more real to me, I seem less aware of my baby this time. Some things do strike attention: Widget moves a lot, but not aggressively like Rae did. She’s beginning to notice sounds and loves to play with her brother. She likes cuddles and seems a curious soul.

With Rae, everything was new about my life—not just the burgeoning belly. I was  just married, my husband was looking for work, he got a new job, I graduated from BYU, we moved cross-country a month before Rae’s birth, found a new midwife, and new place to live with new people.  Those, of course, are just the highlights.

I knew it would work out, but it was hard. Really hard.

God tutors me through my life experiences. The lessons from this experience I’m still trying to understand. I’m sure He must see something in it that I don’t yet. Someday I want to understand and feel gratitude for it.

The strain of that experience prompted me to bargain with God. No more children for a while, okay? Okay, Icie, said God, not for a while.

So, life went on.

Gradually, I started to feel like there was a child that needed to be part of our family soon. “But I’m not ready,” I reminded the Lord, and again I felt like He would not send the baby until I was ready.

I remember that moment. Mr. Graff and I were grocery shopping and all of a sudden I knew that I was ready for another baby. I said a short, sincere prayer and carried on, thinking that God would wait to send me another child.

He didn’t.

Now as I think about all the reasons I wanted to delay this pregnancy, I realize that this plan is much better for me. Things line up nicer this way. The bishopric can find a new seminary teacher for next year without rushing. When we move next spring, Widget will be seven months old, and it’ll be easier to move with a seven month old than a newborn.

And, I’m looking forward to a baby-free 2013.

For now, my most pressing thoughts concern twins. I measured seven weeks ahead at my last pre-natal check-up. It surprised my midwife, but not me, I feel huge. We might have heard a second heartbeat. I might have felt two heads. It’s not conclusive, but seems like a real possibility. It’ll be more apparent in a few weeks when they’re bigger.

Twins. I’ve had it easy for too long…